I am on an airplane trying to find a balance between productively preparing for an interview and psyching myself out. This is a terrible equilibrium to try and find. The Dragon has been out for days, unobstructed, jumping between both sides trying to tip the scales.
The Dragon doesn’t seem to care about my antipsychotics, which seem to have been effective for quite a while at managing him, or that I’ve gotten so good at taking the wind out of his wings by ignoring him. His insults and ideas have been plaguing me for two days now. I have no reason to believe that he won’t be with me in full force in the morning.
Overall, I am feeling pretty at ease over the whole thing right now though which is an attitude that is partially inspired by a pair of Ativan I took while waiting to board my plane. I also had the enjoyable experience of writing about a recent trip my family took to Joshua Tree National Park.
Tomorrow at the interview I won’t have the benefit of Ativan. I need my mind sharp and focused. I also won’t have the benefit of my antipsychotics. Lately they have been making me so tired for many hours that if I wasn’t sleeping I was very sedated and slurring my words. I won’t get a job if I appeared under the influence of some sort of drug or alcohol.
That leaves me with The Dragon at a point where he has been strong enough to break through my drugs. With him uncontrolled by medications and my relaxation not enhanced by them either.
The Dragon and I haven’t squared off without pharmaceutical intervention for a long time now. This will be several hours of an epic Ninja versus Pirate type of struggle all while trying to interview.
I’ve been focusing on the fact that my resume is strong enough to have landed me an interview in the first place and that my first interview led to a second and it to a third one that they are brining me out for all expenses paid. I have what they are looking for. They are close to a decision. They just need to make sure that I don’t have two heads or present myself in a manner that is incompatible with their job. This may even have a second goal of selling me on the job itself so I’ll accept an offer when given.
Despite The Dragon ragging at me that I shouldn’t be, I am confident. I can do this. I must. Even though I will be receiving a military retirement, it won’t be enough. I’m the breadwinner and my family depends on me.
I’m also a chameleon. I developed this skill naturally as I spent many years hiding the true aspects of myself from the military and the aspects of my disease from everyone. I can change my colors to present myself as whatever it is that I want people to see me as. Also, I can present patterns that distract and I can present patterns that can even deceive.
My goal isn’t to deceive anyone though. Deception is painful and can only last so long. But what my aim to do is to present myself as my best self, no different then what anyone should want to do at an Interview. Being a chameleon is an awesome trait and I’ll be able to hide the worst.
They know that I am being retired from the military for some sort of medical condition but they don’t know what. Legally I have no obligation to go into specifics. I require no accommodations like a special desk or a sign language specialist. They need to know nothing about me. Even if I did tell them that I was schizoaffective, they can’t hold it against me, but I bet it might make them tend to focus on some of my other flaws a little bit harder. So I’ll tell them nothing other than I am being medically retired from the Army for a condition that the Army considers incompatible with worldwide service in austere environments and that it won’t impact my abilities to work for them.
So it is The Dragon at full strength against my abilities to stand firm with the buttress of confidence I have been erecting, my skills as a chameleon and the focus I’ve had over the last few days completely ignoring The Dragon.
These need to stay in balance for four interviews, a 90 minute tour and an hour lunch. After that, I can climb into the car, take my regular medications, take two Ativans and be as pathetic as I want. My only duties at that point is to sit in a car transfer to a plane and then back to a car.
I leave writing this blog post feeling a little bit stronger a little more able. A great case supporting my theory that blogging would be great for my mental well-being. I appreciate all of you readers, as my silent audience, giving me a sounding board. Of course, you don’t need to be quite so silent. Please comment below. I appreciate and reply to all comments.
Expect to see a sequel to this post describing how I did on the interview.