Today just plain hurts. It feels like everything is coming to a precipice that can either be a jumping off into the future or a plummet to death. With my schizophrenic symptoms thoughts, feelings and words have a real power that cause very real consequences. Could be as simple as a stomach cramp or dizziness. But it could grow more complex into a double-barreled panic attack or a major confusion. In each case, The Dragon, my schizophrenic subconscious, is there, clawing at my psyche tearing me down and planting weird thoughts each chance that it has.
Today marks day number, well, I’ve lost count, of waiting for the VA to determine the amount of retirement I will be eligible for after being medically retired from 14 years in the US Army. The timeliness of this also determines when we will be able to move out of our apartment and into our house in Kansas. We are basing the decision as to homeschool the kids on the road or race them back and have them finish a school year in a new school off that number. We need to coordinate our movers based off this date. And we need to determine incentivizing the current tenants in Kansas for moving out early.
I need to new job, in a new field, in a new geographic location. As a military retiree, I am most qualified to slide into Department of Defense positions, but an archaic rule forbids that within 180 days of retirement. Yet another unknown based off the VA’s timeline. Maybe I need a transition job in the meantime. Or maybe I need to start completely over.
But, again, without an answer from the VA as to the compensation I will be receiving, I am unclear what compensation amounts I’ll need to make.
I need to get my old cat to get along with my new dog. I need to prove that the new dog is as therapeutic as I claimed it was going to be.
I can’t look back at one career ending, a new one beginning, a new pet, a new school, a cross-country road trip, a farewell to my proud military career with optimism and hope.
I’m not a normal person, I have The Dragon there to defeat any optimism. He knows that I am incredibly vulnerable right now. The securities that I usually anchor to are the very things that have grown weak. I can’t fall back on the fact that I am gainfully employed and that there is a robust support network of behavioral health offices there for me. I can’t fall back on my wife, she is completely stressed out to.
The Dragon’s assault on me is as fierce as I’ve seen it. It wants to utterly defeat me at this point. I’m having a myriad of physical symptoms. My digestion has been off for weeks now, I have headaches, my eyes hurt. I struggle to type with trembling and shaking hands. I’m constantly aware that things can go bad. No, I’m sure that they will. The meds are not keeping up and I’m hearing the Dragon in its full-force. I see shadows all around me moving.
But it is The Dragon. And it is part of me. I have no choice but to stand against it. Each time I stand against it and win I get a little bit better at facing it down. I know it is important to remember that at one time it was my inner-critic and my creativity. Instead of defeating it, I need to train it and make it a part of me again. To make myself whole.
I completely recognize that the only way forward is to just let time pass, which will require patience. I’m out of patience though. I wish I could just go to sleep for a week.