I’ve posted a lot about The Dragon on this blog. I just went through a series of prescriptive posts about how I manage him. It probably sounded like I have it all figured out and that I was on top of my disease. Things are going well, all things considered, right now. But it is still very difficult and there is almost a pain when doing well. There is an endless struggle pushing and pulling against me. As frustrating as it is, I’m struggling learning how to think without my schizophrenic entity.
My schizoaffective disorder was a late-onset somewhere in my late 20s. I can still remember well what it was like living as an adult with a healthy brain. I had a very strong inner critic, a highly analytic mind and a very sharp sense of humor.
The Dragon grew out of these areas. He grew right around an incident during a thunderstorm in which I’m suspicious aliens were involved. Yes, I wonder if aliens made me schizophrenic. I also wonder if I’m not schizophrenic but they project these thoughts into me.
The Dragon’s onslaught against me came from these places of my mind that he grew out of. He is critical, analytical and has a sharp, cynical, wit. It feels like he controls these parts of me. We became codependent. Even though he is evil and always tearing me down, he was also useful.
The Dragon was always involved with these kinds of thought. Maybe he didn’t own these, but he was essential to them. Often, it would be The Dragon that noticed things around me that feed my obsessions, like proportions of a room, repeating patterns, or anything with a spiral.
Now that I’m medicated and my schizophrenic entity has been minimized I feel a gaping hole. It is hard to describe. It feels like being lonely. I’ve noticed that some of my skills have decreased. My ability to do math in my head has decreased as well as the speed I read. It also feels like I am always so serious with a dulled sense of humor and creative thought. In a way, it feels like the world around me is less beautiful.
I’m not at risk of going off my medications. Even though I feel a sense of diminishment and loss, it is worth it. I was awful when The Dragon was at full strength.
Learning How to Think Without My Schizophrenic Entity
I must relearn how to think. If The Dragon really is a manifestation of my mind, and not an external influence, then his abilities are mine. I must have all the capacities that he did in me somewhere. Maybe I can learn how to function in these areas at a high-level like before.
Could it be possible for me to function at a high-level with The Dragon diminished by medications? This question bothers me greatly. I want to be able to solve problems like before, have great ideas and have my old wit back.
There’s no decision to make here though. Medicated I’m more consistent. I’m a better father and husband. I’ll be a better friend back in Kansas. I can have a healthy relationship with my parents and recreate good ones with extended family. Once I get a job I’ll be a better employee. My thoughts are more organized and I get much less confused. My panic attacks are more rare.
I can see though why some schizophrenics refuse to take medications. They do change you. Even though The Dragon losing some power has had some surprising adverse effects, life is better with him in a back seat. He might be part of me but I’ll always consider him my enemy not my partner.
Finally, I’m learning how to be more alone in my head. The Dragon was a constant companion for years. He’s awful to me for sure, but I became accustomed to him. The relative quiet is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. As I’ve said a few times though, he is still there, but at times completely silent. It has been taking me awhile to get used to this.
This has been a troubling and confusing post for me to write. It is hard to describe the change from untreated to medicated. Someone may read this and see that there is adequate merit to not treating my disease. I couldn’t disagree more with that position. I believe everyone with psychosis needs to be treated pharmaceutically.
If you are supporting someone with schizophrenia, please understand that they may have a confusing transition. Learning how to think without my schizophrenic entity has taken a lot of time for me to get used to.
I want to hear from some schizophrenics if they have had a similar experience. Please comment below. How long did it take to feel like you were at home in your medicated brain? Do you feel a similar decrease or uncomfortable quiet?