I’m not sure the exact day, but I believe I am at day 7 of insomnia and have been waking up at about 2:30 a.m. I feel awful. My disease is winning. I have aches and pains everywhere, my head hurts and I feel like I am thinking slowly. That is, except for The Dragon, which is using this time to claw through my meds and is thinking fast. I don’t know if my schizophrenic entity is causing my insomnia or if my insomnia is giving it strength.
I’m trying to get myself on a constant schedule of in bed at 10 and up at 6. I’ve had some success in the past with a regular sleep schedule and am trying to add that to my arsenal of weapons against my symptoms.
This bought of insomnia is especially troublesome because I am having no problem at all falling asleep at night. It is completely waking up early. I have plenty of tricks to get me to sleep when I’m having trouble. If I’m tired, “Ancient Aliens” easily puts me into my happy place and I can fall asleep. I may have a little bit of an obsession with aliens though. But that hasn’t worked with this episode though because when I wake up at 2:30 I don’t feel tired at all.
I’ve been trying all the tricks though. I’ve tried decreasing my caffeine, limiting exposure to television and laptop screens in the evening, drinking kava tea, making sure the bed is comfortable, cuddling with the dog, flipping on the television, taking a shower, eating healthy, going to bed early, staying up later and other tricks. None of it is working.
My assistance dog is too happy to hang out with me though. He seems more than willing to wake up early and just be my buddy. I can tell he’s trying to lure me out on a walk right now even though he’s already been out for morning “business.” He’s turning out to be very intuitive to my needs and has been there for me. He’s untrained as an assistance animal but is performing admirably.
During the walk that we just took I had no grand epiphanies. I did work on accepting the fact that times right now are very stressful and that insomnia might just be something I must deal with for the next few weeks.
What is waking me up and keeping me up are concerns over how I will support my family after I am retired from the military. I’ve already been found “unfit” for military service. What I am waiting on now is the percentage of disability and amount of my retirement pay and the timeline of my retirement. The process of a military medical retirement is notoriously long with nightmare stories of cases taking two years or more. I’m on the tail-end though.
But it is such a limbo. Once my numbers come in things will move quickly. But I still have no real time horizon to project when applying for jobs or in knowing when my family will be moving with me back to our house in Kansas. I have only educated guesses as to what my retirement compensation will be and the consequential amount I will need to earn to make ends meet. I feel like there is no stability and only uncertainty.
Thankfully my wife left her part-time job early and is constantly with me and helping me through this. I tell her over and over, but I don’t think she understands how much I need her, how much I appreciate and how much I know she is here for me. A man like me doesn’t deserve someone so wonderful.
So the 6 a.m. alarm just went off, taunting me that I should be waking up now. It’s off to another wonderful day of obsessing over things I have no control of.